[How to move forward] 5 Steps to honoring & forgiving yourself
One of the biggest things that hold people back from stepping into a new and grander reality for their lives is holding onto past mistakes. We look back at those moments, replay them repeatedly in our heads, and just bathe in the negative emotions.
"I was so stupid for doing that!"
"You f*ing idiot!"
"What the hell were you thinking?"
Our past becomes a terrible movie that plays on automatic repeat in our brains. Regret anchors us in the past and keeps us from pushing forward into a bright future.
That inner voice can be a harsh, unforgiving, relentless b*tch that tries to make your current self pay for its mistakes. As a result, we become our own worst enemy, sabotaging our efforts and preventing ourselves from moving forward.
But guess what–no amount of shaming will help you feel strong enough and courageous enough to achieve your dream life. In fact, it will do the opposite. You'll stay feeling stuck, continuing with old habits and failing to focus on your own needs.
If you don't shut that inner critic up every time you dare to start something new, it will rear its ugly head again and again.
So before you can move forward, you need the right tools to shut up that inner critic once and for all.
Below are the 5 steps you can take to let go of the past so you can confidently move forward:
1. List the past experiences that continue to plague your mind
You probably don't have to do a ton of soul searching to come up with a list of your personal worst hits. These are the stories that are always playing in your mind. The ones where you beat yourself up over and over again.
Spend some time jotting these down in a notebook. What is it about those moments that cause you the most pain?
I think of two moments specifically for me. My mom died when I was 9. This shaped my life in such a vast and traumatic way. I dealt with feelings of abandonment and vulnerability for years.
The second experience I think of is when I took the SATs in high school. I majorly screwed them up! Back then, I had this super high standard that I wanted to achieve and a score I wanted to get, and I didn't even come close. As silly as it sounds, this moment became something that really defined me. I kept replaying it in my mind and told myself stories that affected my confidence and self-worth.
Life throws curve balls at all of us. Take the time to reflect on those scenes that you keep replaying in your head and write them down.
2. Identify the negative message those stories are telling you
When you go back to those past experiences, what are the messages you tell yourself that cause you to feel stuck?
Take a deep breath and dig deep into those messages and identify the words your inner critic is using:
You were so ___________.
I should have never __________.
If only you ___________.
After you identify what you are saying, name that voice. (i.e., Ugly Betty, Howard, Mildred, Bizatch… whatever!)
What you are doing here is disassociating this voice from you as a person, thus weakening the power that negative voice has over your life.
3. Visit your younger self and show them compassion
Honoring your past self means you show the younger you compassion. This might feel a bit outside your comfort zone, but try to get yourself into a meditative state. Picture your current self going back to that younger you. Spend some time nurturing and caring for that scared, fearful, and overwhelmed person.
What we so often fail to do is remember that our past selves had a lot going on. They were doing the best they could with the resources they had at that moment. The younger you deserves compassion.
In your meditative state, picture your current self showing the younger you tremendous love. Appreciate who they were and what they had going against them. Empathize with why they ended up finding themself a bit lost. Honor how the younger you was a fighter. Respect that their life was shitty. They had many obstacles to overcome. Remember how limited their view of the world was back then. Give them a whole lotta grace.
When I go back to 9-year-old Carrie the morning her mother died, I hold her and tell her she will be ok. I show her a tremendous amount of love. She needed someone then to encourage her. The me now sits with her and helps her know that this moment might feel impossible, but there is a vast and beautiful life ahead if she is willing to seize it.
When I go back to Carrie in high school, who messed up her SATs, I ask her forgiveness. I've been critical of her for years. I beat her up for over 3 decades! I tell her I'm so sorry for judging her and not remembering all she had going on then. I also tell her she's going to be ok.
It can't be overstated how powerful this exercise will be for you.
Take some time to identify what you need to say to your past self. I'm guessing you've been pretty harsh. It's time to step in with a different perspective and become the protector of the younger you. Show that girl some empathy and tell that mean criticizing voice to f*ck off.
4. Forgive yourself
As the famous song from Frozen says, let it go, let it go!
If only it was that easy :)
Forgiveness takes hard work. It might take many small steps over time to fully let go of the thing holding you back.
However, I want to tell you that you can do this! As scary as it may be, I'm a living testament that even the most difficult circumstances can be forgiven.
Spend time forgiving yourself. You'll need to forgive the past you, but also, you'll need to forgive the current you for how unkindly you've treated your past self. Tell yourself you are ready to move forward with your life. All this happened in the past so leave it in the past. It's time to begin your journey forward now.
Also, you probably have people in your life you need to forgive. Do the same exercise where you go back to a specific event and show empathy toward that person that wronged you. Forgive them and let it go.
I'm not saying you let toxic people off the hook and allow them to keep messing up your life. But what I am saying is they no longer need to take up space in your mind. Moving forward means you are willing to live your own life. If you need to, hire a therapist to help you deal with deeper issues of pain and trauma. It's never worth allowing deep wounds to rule your life.
5. Repeat these steps as needed
Maybe you've tried to forgive yourself before so you could get on the right path forward. But you get frustrated because those critical voices in your head keep popping up, speaking destruction into your life.
The key to making those voices go silent is repetition. Go back over and over again and tend to your younger self. The older and wiser you needs to become the protector of the smaller, more vulnerable you. Repeat this process as often as you need.
The more you repeat this process, the quieter and quieter those damn voices will become.
Ready to dig deeper and step into living the life of your dreams?
I wrote All In: A Working Mom’s Unapologetic Quest for a Jucy Life to help you know that you can honor your past and create a plan to live a bigger, bolder, and more vibrant life. I dive into my story and share practical steps to living the life you really want.